Case in point. When I've been drinking, I get the urge to do one (or more) of three things: eat all the good food in sight, flirt and tempt an attractive individual down a path of wickedness, or conduct a drunken battle of intellect, which generally leads to one of the options stated above, funny enough.
At the last party I attended, a birthday party for a gentleman I'd never met before (and still can't, for the life of me, remember the name of), I proceeded to "enjoy" myself. After a few resounding games, during which I hated myself for being on the losing team, I and a few girls I knew well sat around on the large lounger with some of our common male friends to chat and relax from the previous adrenaline rush. Obviously, this led to my being introduced to a cute guy I'd seen talking earlier with a friend we had in common.
I'm not good at striking up conversation with someone I barely know. I'm even worse at flirting with someone, even if they're flirting back, so generally half of my quips are sarcastic at best, if not outright offensive. I rarely feel much guilt though, as lucky enough, the people I tend to hang out with laugh at my sense of humor, and aren't so lacking in self esteem as to take me seriously. He was obviously strong enough to keep up with me, and we quickly found ourselves starting up a debate, that bounced from topic to topic with all the skill and speed of an Olympic-level gymnast.
Now, this is where it begins to get a bit fuzzy. I hadn't quite taken leave of my senses, I'd barely been affected by what I had consumed. But due to the conversation itself, and my terrible short term memory, I have no idea how we got onto the subject of marriage. But I found myself stating my view of marriage being a business contract, conducted behind the veil of love. He went up in arms, an apparent romantic at heart, and tried to call me out on my cynicism. If it'd been any other topic, I would have agreed, but I didn't want to be taken as a frigid bitch, so I found myself quickly defending my stance, instead of leaving it a mystery.
I said, when you get married, you take vows. Vows of a marriage, similar to terms of a contract, are promises one person makes to another person, in order to obtain a form of partnership. And what is marriage if not the most fundamental of all partnerships?
These vows a person takes during a wedding, while different to each individual, generally share common denominators. A promise to hold the other person above all others, to stand by their side through good times and bad (no matter the form), and to maintain and nurture the bond first formed in the beginning of the courtship, throughout the length of the marriage, however long that may be. Parallel to a business contract, which will often have similar demands. To respect the partnership, to maintain equal status, and to honor the needs first demanded in the beginning, through however long the business partnership may last.
Now in a business contract, when one of the terms fails to be met, the trust forged in the beginning is forever changed - if not lost entirely. Most partnerships then are dissolved, through legal means, and often frought with stress and high emotions.
If, in a marriage, a vow is broken, does it not also break a similar trust? When the vow is broken, is forgiveness possible? Rarely, research shows. It is hard to forget such a betrayal, be it of the body, of the mind, or of the means. It doesn't matter if the broken vow was one of fidelity, or one of emotional or financial support. The broken vow is a broken term of the contract, and one half of the partnership, if not both sides, will immediately begin to seek ways to resolve the pain and stress. Often, it means splitting ways.
So why is it the end of a marriage is conducted in so much more of a business manner than the beginning? The beginning is so often remembered with romance and passion, flirty touches and warm embraces. The idea of a wedding leads to thoughts of happy ever after, and few couples actually sit down and discuss what each want from the marriage, what each need, and what each can live without. But you best believe it will be the first thing each begin to shout about when they are mediating with their lawyers!
If the beginning of a marriage is approached rationally and thoughtfully, I personally believe there would be fewer divorces. If you treat the marriage of love with as much respect as you do a business contract of money, the love will be tendered to grow and flourish, as does the money.
Sit down with your future partner. Create a list of things you each want, need, refuse to deal with, and things you can live with/without. Compare the lists, and come up with a compromise in the very beginning. Discuss each point thoroughly. Discuss decisions that will come up in the future. How do you each feel about children? How many? Religion importance? Location? What if one of you is relocated or promoted in your career field? What if, for some awful reason, something severe occurs to one or both of you? Write down your decisions as a unit, sign it at the bottom, frame it, and either put it in a lockbox or in a safe place, to be referred to as needed. Do the same with your vows, and hang them in a place where they can be seen everyday. Reflect on them everytime you pass by. Pull out your contract with every fight. If ever it es to be too much, sit with the contract, and renew your terms. Discuss the original plan, find out where things went wrong, and figure out how to save yourselves. Renew your vows. Renew your commitment. Nurture a new love.
Treat your marriage better than a passing summer romance. It is, for lack of a better word, a contract. And I personally am not a person who goes back on my word. When I get married, it will be for good. It will be for the rest of our days. And it will be for love. But it will not be fleeting, or irrational.
Because I have a brighter future than as a discarded starter wife.
-Nicki Valentine
"Marriage is an adventure, like going to war." - Gilbert K. Chesterton
Very interesting to think about. Especially now, when we're tending to marry a bit later in life. Better to go into it with both eyes open, but understanding that the bond you will share will endure and strengthen through the years.
ReplyDelete